Love

Is it too soon to be falling in love? Is it too soon be having a stomach that is doing somersaults like it’s practising for the London Olympics? Is it too soon to be thinking about her every moment of the day? Is it too soon to be missing her twinkle in the eyes? Is it too soon to be clinging on to her scent on the bedclothes? Is it too soon to be going off food? Is it too soon to be wishing you lived in another country? Is it too soon to be replaying everything you did and said with each other? Is it too soon to be missing her smile?

I just wonder if you are feeling the same? I know that you like more than you dared. I know that you like me so much that it scares you. I know that you wanted something of mine so that you could be near me. I know that you picked a frozen flower to give me.

Is it too soon to have fallen in love?

O.M.G.

That’s all I should say about last night. Oh. My. God.

I’m sitting here the next morning with a head that’s spinning, legs that no longer seem to work and love bites and bruises a-go-go! I tried walking to the local shops just now and I couldn’t walk straight. Couldn’t pack my shopping or seem to function as a human for some reason.

My confidence has just taken a sky rocket to the moon and beyond. To have someone so in to me and what happened and lusting after me doing it with her. I’ve done things that I only dreamt of up until now and apparently, in her own words, I am a “natural lesbian”, “very good” and “suspiciously good”. Beyond that it’s between me and her…and the cat. Lol.

Still just wish I knew exactly what she was thinking about me and if there is any future to us. It’s really hard to get her to voice her concerns. Probably because she thinks she will hurt me but I have told her it’s okay. Generally I get the impression it’s just fun with no relationship future, which is fine but now and then she drops a little gem in to the conversation and I think…okay…does she mean she wants to take it somewhere else? But then I ask her and she changes the subject or doesn’t answer it in the manner it was asked.

Anyway, for today, I have her scent upon me and a head full of a night to process and work out…or just to sit back and enjoy for what it was.

But….Oh.My.God.

From jelly legs to whirrling churning buckets of nerves

Well if you read the last blog you will understand the title a bit better…so go flipping read it somebody! Lol.

Yes, nerves now because I have another “date” with the woman who made by body turn in to something made by Rowntree’s. Nerves now because she has made it quite plain what she wants to do on this date and it involves just me and her imagination. Nerves now because I have never been in that situation before and to be frank…I’m scared. Well, nervous to the nth degree maybe more correct but you get the picture.

Is it possible to fall for someone after only one meeting? Maybe it’s just lust that I feel or perhaps just a release of something that has been tied up inside of me for so many years. All I know, as I think I said before, is that I cannot stop thinking about her. Hoping for an email when I awake or texts on the way to work or late night chitter chatter waffling about silly monkey business.

I can’t wait for tomorrow evening and yet at the same time it’s making me feel like I want to be sick. I can’t wait for tomorrow evening and yet at the same time I am already sorrowful for her having to go home.

Just hope that she doesn’t turn up and take one look at me and realise what a terrible mistake she has made. I just hope…

Blimey! What you don’t expect hits you right between your jelly legs

Okay, heads a spin. Just a twirling and a whirling and I’m not sure what to think.

Had a “date” today…well…two Internet friends deciding to meet up for breakfast to see if we got along in this real-life place as well as we do on t’internet. Had a lovely old time…breakfast meet…day spent shopping and laughing…ice-cream consumed.

Then we get back to mine and after a cursory cup of tea…she suddenly but gently holds my hand and looks at me…in that way…you know? I mean…I am the most useless at reading signs but I am sure there were none to read on this occasions…not even in big pink neon this time! So what did I do? I did what any inexperienced lesbian would do…my hands started to shake and go clammy. Thankfully this didn’t seem to put her off her stride and…well…we kissed…and stuff. Nothing sexual happened. Least not what I would call sexual but it was a new experience for me and one I am still shaking from. Fuck! (apologies) But I mean…I so wasn’t expecting it. I so wasn’t.

I’m sitting here now…barely 30 mins since she finally dragged herself away…and I’m so confused I can’t even begin to think. Not confused about my feelings but hers towards me. It seems from all she has said that she can’t see a relationship forming but she also said she doesn’t do what she did with me with just anyone. So, am I stuck in the middle between a non relationship and casual sex? If so, what does that actually make me?

All I know is that the way my body responded told me everything I needed to know about my feelings towards her. I just can’t fake that response from myself. All I can do now is sit and wait. Perhaps I will never hear from her again…perhaps it will just be friends again next time…perhaps it may be a casual fling. Who knows? Still, she tasted wonderful and I don’t want to eat tonight to let anything take that way.

Blimey. Life. Smiles.

I’m not fine by the way

Why is it that almost everyone I chat to on-line these days doesn’t seem even the slightest bit interested in how I am feeling? It gets to the point where I sit there waiting for just a general, “how are you?” or “how’s life?” but nothing appears. I mean this is after an hour or more of chatting…when conversations are coming to a close.

I’ve listened to their woes and tried to help them through their problems, which I don’t mind, as I am a good listener and resolver, so I have been told. But how can so many people be so self-centered to not even think of asking how someone else is? Do they do that with everyone they know or just me? Have I become the doormat for their muddy souls (deliberate)?

Maybe I just need to change the people I hang about with online or perhaps reassess how I deal with people. Perhaps next time I wont ask them how they are and the conversation will just be an empty chat window. Going nowhere. Like “friendships” often do in the end.

Empty

I read this quote quite some time ago and it’s stuck with me ever since. I had been pondering the meanings and workings of  people and friendships too much at the time and it’s odd how this just happened to pop up. Do others feel like this when they realise certain truths?

“I didn’t realise that you can’t make old friends, that you can only lose them, and that in losing them you walk around with a void inside that you can never adequately explain.“

- Beth Kephart (Into the Tangle of Friendship)