Dumped

Heartbroken. Crying. Dead. Confused. Crying. Lost. Crying. Alone. Struggling. Missing. Wishing I was dead. The pain is too much.

Valentine’s Day

So another VD over but oh my what a yummy one to savour for the next year. Not even 24 hours together to share it but every second felt like it could have been as though we’d spent a  lifetime together. Hmm…now that doesn’t sound like it’s a good thing if you read it one way! It is though, it is! What I mean is that it felt so comfortable, so easy, so natural, so everything, to do what we did and even what we didn’t do. Resting in each others arms was as glorious as…well…you can guess…some of it.

The only downside was having to say goodbye this morning but even that has it’s upside as to say goodbye to the one you love means that you can say hello again all over again the very next time. Thankfully my next hello will not be as long in the waiting as this one was. Two weeks apart is not good for the soul you know. Not good at all.

So, cards and presents exchanged, champagne consumed and the flat trashed (well, not exactly but it’s not as pristine as it was!) and I thought I would be sitting here heavy of heart and morose of mood being alone but I’m not. I’m not because I have my memories already stored and my dreams of tomorrow only just beginning. I’m not because to be loved means that you can never be blue…just a little off colour perhaps now and then…but never blue. No, to be loved by and to be in love with my angel, is to be in bliss.

Big smile here.

I love my girlfriend

Plain and simple.

I tell her often but I think, sometimes, she might forget. Probably because of my personality being a little bit different from hers. Anyway, this blog was not to go in to details but just to say, obviously,

I love you

Weekends…the edit

What are weekends? What are they for? Breaks from the working week? From busy lives?

To me, of late, they are everything. Be they spent busily rushing around or doing next to nothing it doesn’t matter to me. With a million people rushing by in a frenzied whirl or alone it doesn’t matter to me. Seeing friends and socialising or sleeping until noon it doesn’t matter to me.

It doesn’t matter to me so long as I am with you. Equally happy whispering daft song lyrics to you while you sing beautifully and with gusto, or rushing to the shops to not buy the things that we want, or cooking you dinner while you enjoy your post massage snuggle, or (edited for common decency! lol), or playing pool and chatting up random old men. It doesn’t matter to me. Be I in this country or be I in yours, it doesn’t matter to me. Whether I am travelling across country or awaiting by the fire for your arrival, it doesn’t matter to me.

All that matters to me about them now, and every other day, is that I get to spend them with you. My life has changed in so many ways but none that are probably perceptible to anyone else but me. I no longer wish for how I used to spend them before.

But then the weekend…ends. I look around and see the state of the kitchen and it’s washing up yet to be done piled up high. The clothes on the sofa and the **** in the lounge. The duvet a tumble of **** and ****, the tossed aside ****. I see myself in the mirror with unwashed hair and looking a state and……..I…….smile. I smile because I spent the weekend with you doing whatever we wanted to. I smile because I think back to everything we shared and how you smiled and laughed and teased and joked and looked so very happy.

Weekends are for love. Weekends are for you. But now I have to work out how to make the weekends become days of the week too.

Apologies

I  am so, so very, very sorry. Who’d have thought that when I landed on this new venue for my blog that the majority of them would be happy…about love even! But I guess that is where my head is right now. Anyone who may have known me on Yahoo must be wondering what the heck has happened to me. Well, J has happened to me and happened to me in ways that surprise and delight even me.

So, J. That’s all you are getting for now wondering readers although she deserves a proper revelation at some point…in big gold sparkly letters…and spotlights…and a standing ovation…with a bouquet. Okay, so maybe some of you might be feeling a little queasy with how I am expressing myself lately but A) I don’t care and B) I can’t help it and C) See A).

I was going to write a lot more but once again my thoughts can not remain focused on the idea I had. My mind is drifting to the highways and byways where a certain lovely someone is currently driving a long way through the dark to her home. I just wish that I could have been there waiting for her to snaffle her all up and show her just what she means to me rather than with words that fail to do justice to even a zillionth of my feelings. But, alas, I cannot. So hopefully, when she reads this, a smile will creep across her face.

Am I right sweetheart?

I’ve got a girlfriend…I’ve got a girlfriend!…I’ve got a girlfriend!!!

The title isn’t a boast…just the thought that crossed my mind right now and spread like the smile across my face.

Ain’t life strange? Yes it is, is the answer you are looking for. Somebody new comes in to your life and suddenly all the troubles in the world that you may have had just lift themselves off your shoulders and disappear in to the night. Of course new problems arise like how the heck can you get to see this new person more often but then they aren’t really problems are they? No, is the answer you are looking for. There are just teeny weeny obstacles to overcome. Much as a toddler might find that sticklebricks hinder their path to new delights until they discover that they can just crawl straight over them or put them in their mouth for safe-keeping. The path to love is not arduous but merely sticklebricked now and then.

A friend of mine said that they had never seen me looking so relaxed as they did yesterday. I wasn’t aware of any great change in my manner or attitude but I guess it’s there on show for everyone else to see. I know that internally I feel…peaceful…happy…smiley…silly…love. How can somebody consume so much of your attention when they are not around?

Barely a minute goes by without my mind wandering to what she is doing, where she is, is she happy, does she miss me. I have to fight the urge to text her every few minutes telling her how I feel about her. Wishing she was here and not there. Curled in my arms and not being jostled around busy streets. Warm and content, not cold and stressed by people.

I thought of having a snoozy morning snuggled up in bed but then I didn’t have her to snuggle up with, waffle inanely to, or just hold tenderly, so instead I went for a walk in the cold crystallised air and smiled at everyone I passed, said good morning to the men delivering early supplies to the shops and gazed at a very chilled cat who looked at me like he knew what I was feeling. Like he knew I was in love…and head over heels in love too.

The sunlight looks clearer today…more pristine…sharper. Maybe it’s just my eyes that are seeing things anew lately.

Love

Is it too soon to be falling in love? Is it too soon be having a stomach that is doing somersaults like it’s practising for the London Olympics? Is it too soon to be thinking about her every moment of the day? Is it too soon to be missing her twinkle in the eyes? Is it too soon to be clinging on to her scent on the bedclothes? Is it too soon to be going off food? Is it too soon to be wishing you lived in another country? Is it too soon to be replaying everything you did and said with each other? Is it too soon to be missing her smile?

I just wonder if you are feeling the same? I know that you like more than you dared. I know that you like me so much that it scares you. I know that you wanted something of mine so that you could be near me. I know that you picked a frozen flower to give me.

Is it too soon to have fallen in love?

O.M.G.

That’s all I should say about last night. Oh. My. God.

I’m sitting here the next morning with a head that’s spinning, legs that no longer seem to work and love bites and bruises a-go-go! I tried walking to the local shops just now and I couldn’t walk straight. Couldn’t pack my shopping or seem to function as a human for some reason.

My confidence has just taken a sky rocket to the moon and beyond. To have someone so in to me and what happened and lusting after me doing it with her. I’ve done things that I only dreamt of up until now and apparently, in her own words, I am a “natural lesbian”, “very good” and “suspiciously good”. Beyond that it’s between me and her…and the cat. Lol.

Still just wish I knew exactly what she was thinking about me and if there is any future to us. It’s really hard to get her to voice her concerns. Probably because she thinks she will hurt me but I have told her it’s okay. Generally I get the impression it’s just fun with no relationship future, which is fine but now and then she drops a little gem in to the conversation and I think…okay…does she mean she wants to take it somewhere else? But then I ask her and she changes the subject or doesn’t answer it in the manner it was asked.

Anyway, for today, I have her scent upon me and a head full of a night to process and work out…or just to sit back and enjoy for what it was.

But….Oh.My.God.

From jelly legs to whirrling churning buckets of nerves

Well if you read the last blog you will understand the title a bit better…so go flipping read it somebody! Lol.

Yes, nerves now because I have another “date” with the woman who made by body turn in to something made by Rowntree’s. Nerves now because she has made it quite plain what she wants to do on this date and it involves just me and her imagination. Nerves now because I have never been in that situation before and to be frank…I’m scared. Well, nervous to the nth degree maybe more correct but you get the picture.

Is it possible to fall for someone after only one meeting? Maybe it’s just lust that I feel or perhaps just a release of something that has been tied up inside of me for so many years. All I know, as I think I said before, is that I cannot stop thinking about her. Hoping for an email when I awake or texts on the way to work or late night chitter chatter waffling about silly monkey business.

I can’t wait for tomorrow evening and yet at the same time it’s making me feel like I want to be sick. I can’t wait for tomorrow evening and yet at the same time I am already sorrowful for her having to go home.

Just hope that she doesn’t turn up and take one look at me and realise what a terrible mistake she has made. I just hope…

Blimey! What you don’t expect hits you right between your jelly legs

Okay, heads a spin. Just a twirling and a whirling and I’m not sure what to think.

Had a “date” today…well…two Internet friends deciding to meet up for breakfast to see if we got along in this real-life place as well as we do on t’internet. Had a lovely old time…breakfast meet…day spent shopping and laughing…ice-cream consumed.

Then we get back to mine and after a cursory cup of tea…she suddenly but gently holds my hand and looks at me…in that way…you know? I mean…I am the most useless at reading signs but I am sure there were none to read on this occasions…not even in big pink neon this time! So what did I do? I did what any inexperienced lesbian would do…my hands started to shake and go clammy. Thankfully this didn’t seem to put her off her stride and…well…we kissed…and stuff. Nothing sexual happened. Least not what I would call sexual but it was a new experience for me and one I am still shaking from. Fuck! (apologies) But I mean…I so wasn’t expecting it. I so wasn’t.

I’m sitting here now…barely 30 mins since she finally dragged herself away…and I’m so confused I can’t even begin to think. Not confused about my feelings but hers towards me. It seems from all she has said that she can’t see a relationship forming but she also said she doesn’t do what she did with me with just anyone. So, am I stuck in the middle between a non relationship and casual sex? If so, what does that actually make me?

All I know is that the way my body responded told me everything I needed to know about my feelings towards her. I just can’t fake that response from myself. All I can do now is sit and wait. Perhaps I will never hear from her again…perhaps it will just be friends again next time…perhaps it may be a casual fling. Who knows? Still, she tasted wonderful and I don’t want to eat tonight to let anything take that way.

Blimey. Life. Smiles.